It's been a very hard road in 1998 - trying to make sense of God amongst all of my miscarriage problems. Why would God keep granting life in my only to take it away. No one knows how painful this is and no one knows how this feels. Sometimes it appears that no one else has problems but me. But in the midst of it, I can't stop seeking God in all of it. I want to know Him deeper and understand him better - maybe that's the sole reason for all of this - I don't know. It's been a hard place to be at where I, at times, I feel so afraid of God - afraid of what He might hand me next, afraid of His awesome power over life and death and what that means to me. Despite how hard this year has been, I do feel so blessed with Jeff, my boys, my family and my friends...WOW in all those ways God has truly taken care of me. There are so many questions, should we have another child? All of the "what ifs" that go with that. What if I miscarry again? What if I have an ectopic? I guess none of those fears is strong enough or paralyzing enough to stop me from going forward.
